Breakthrough

whine/rant alert: you've been warned.
Why is it so hard for me to stick to this plan? I think I know the answer. I'm used to using food for comfort, distraction and stress relief. My top 3 ways to cope are: eating, shopping and drinking wine. The shopping and drinking will get me in trouble quick, (hangover, credit card debt) so I am able to keep those vices to a minimum. But eating? That gets me in trouble slow, although its been catching up with me these past few years. But since the negative effects of overeating are gradual, I just overeat. I don't really crave anything, like some people love candy or fast food. Seems I resent restrictions on food, even if those restrictions are placed by me and for good reasons! I mainly seek to escape emotional discomfort by finding pleasure in the basic act of swallowing food. Even uncomfortable fullness is a welcome distraction.
I believe there is a natural, primitive drive taking place here. My great-great grandparents came to this country because they were starving. Long before them people spent their days and years seeking enough food to live. Now that I am here, living amid great abundance, I still get really pissed if I get hungry, or feel like I can't have what I want.
Then there is the emotional part. Back in the day, if the kids were driving you insane and tearing the cave apart, you would send them outside, hunting with dad or you would ask the younger co- wife to step in and give you a break. Not possible in our culture today.
Or take some examples from my job as a nurse in a hospital. This weekend, I had a patient who was 65 and in with pneumonia. Lives at home with his wife. "Young lady, I poopsied my pantsie. Please help me." There is no reason this guy needed to crap his shorts, but I'm too busy to question him and the nurses aide is too busy to do it, so I clean him up. Stroking my arm, he says, "You young girls do such nice work. My wife's just no good." So, what would have happened to a guy like this in more primitive times. Hmmm, let's see: elder member of the tribe poops himself on purpose to get attention from younger woman. Solution: Let the lions clean him up. Just so you don't think I'm totally cold, I did treat him with respect and gently set boundaries with him. In this situation, I felt frustrated and humiliated. I also had a patient who was 38, father of 3 you kids with a nice wife. He was actively dying of pancreatic cancer. The family was crying, he was in agony. Back in the day, you would join the family in their crying, try to lessen his suffering. After he died, you would maybe have his family join your family to live. What I could do was lessen his pain with medication, try to be a compassionate presence and resource for the family while pulled in a million different directions (poopsie). In this situation, I felt very sad and also huge frustration about not giving this family the time they deserve. What did I do with all that emotion? I couldn't sweat it out in yoga class, or go for a walk because my kids and husband wanted me back home. I ATE and ATE. Not paleo food, either.
Now, I'm probably the most fortunate person I know. I've had innumerable blessings and countless lucky breaks, but jeez, almost everyday I fight the feeling to "run away, escape, get out!!". I think tht is a very primal response to the stupidness of modern life.
The stresses of my modern life are very easily pushed aside by buying things, swilling wine and most of all, FOOD! But as we all know, these ways of coping come with a heavy price. The price is health, without which, we have nothing. Hows that for a vicious circle.
But as I said before, I'm lucky. I love healthy food. Love to cook. And I love strenuous exercise. Bikram yoga kicks the butt of marathoners and marines and makes gymnasts shake. I'd walk all day, if I were allowed. I want to learn to work with kettlebells. And I'm not giving up my Paleo Trial. I'm 43 years old. There are 43 days until July 1. I'm starting again.